I am a rule-maker and a list-maker, and am a very big fan of post-it notes. As of Monday, each time I open the pantry, a notecard greets me with a question: "Nic, have you eaten a fruit today"? And on the refrigerator is my exercise checklist, which reads: Curves, run, Curves, aerobics, Curves, cardio.
These two reminders are the result of some serious body image issues, issues that have nothing to do with my body and everything with what I am doing to it. I am no heftier or pudgier than I was one month ago, but in my mind I am. Due to car problems and motivation issues, my Curves attendance has been once a week instead of 3 times a week; due to snow, I am not walking; due to diss and job-related things, my mouth thinks it needs to be chomping all the time. And it is.
I can be quite disciplined when I want to be. I ask, "Nic, do you really want that trail mix?" And if the answer is no, I can usually turn away. But there are times when the "I deserves" or "I needs" trump this discipline, and this has been the case for the past month. What I am not getting in contentment and security I am getting in calories.
But no more. Those calories have been replaced by a lot of Extra Sugar-Free gum. I've been to Curves twice this week, and I ran on the treadmill yesterday. I am still struggling with snacking, and with a string of lows that make calorie consumption necessary, but I am trying to get this under control. I am resolved to do so.