Thursday, November 09, 2006

The recollection is so strong that I start.

The hasty meal. The rushing. The dishes half done; 1/3 of my pump sumplies in the bedroom and 2/3 scattered on the kitchen table. Interupting packing with household chores that must be done, and interupting those chores with phonecalls and frantic emails about cancelling my class. And interupting all of these with sobs.

Today I am packing for a hastily arranged trip home, borne of homesickness and the strong pull of family. 3 years ago today I was packing for a hastily arrange trip home, borne of the strong pull of my family in the time of need. My brother had died suddenly, and I was going home for his funeral. I was acutely aware that I needed to be "strong"--strong for my parents, strong certainly for my mother, who was shattered. I needed to plan the funeral, to answer the phone. And my diabetes was with me the whole time, the numbers registering my grief in uncanny ways. The gut-wrenching sobs must have countered the cookies and bananas that were my meals--all I could stomach--because I don't recall being high. Or maybe the paradoxically numb antsiness masked symptoms.

As the anniversary of my brother's death has approached, I have been accutely aware of his support for my diabetes. If he resented the attention it brought me on diagnosis, he never complained. He wept for me. He prayed the whole night--a little 10-year old on his knees by the bedside--the night I had a seizure and he was taken to grandma's in the wee hours. We didn't talk much about it, but it was always there and he was always an anchor.

I look forward to heaven. My brother is there. And diabetes isn't.

11 comments:

Kerri. said...

Nic,

This is one of the most powerful entries I have read today. I am thinking of you and sending my thoughts and prayers to your family.

I hope you are able to find some solace today.

K.

Penny said...

I've read a lot of excellent posts today. But, this one got me crying more than any of them.

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. I'm glad you have the comfort of knowing he's in heaven. And, the comfort of knowing that one day you will be free of this disease forever.

Allison said...

This is the best diabetes entry of the day, in my opinion. I am looking forward to heaven because all the important people in my life will be there.

And diabetes won't.

Sandra Miller said...

A beautiful, heartwrenching post.

Nic, I'm so sorry for your loss.

julia said...

Such a lovely post. I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. He sounds like an incredible person.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Yes, a beautiful post.

I too am sorry for your loss.

Kassie said...

Beautifully said.

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Anonymous said...

Beautifully expressed!

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Beautifully expressed!