I've been quiet this last month. And anyone reading should be glad. You see, I get a little stubborn about going to the pharmacy and dealing with prescriptions. And so, when my prescription for Paxil ran out, I dragged my feet on refilling it. I not only had to call the doctor to have her refill, I had to switch pharmacies. And so I just didn't refill...and didn't refill...
And soon each day was cloudy. I'd open my computer and start crying. To get anything done was impossible. And I would watch myself, knowing full well that something was wrong. I would say, "Nic, you're not thinking logically. The glass is half full," and although my brain knew the glass was half full, my heart was telling me that the glass was shattered, broken in thousands of pieces. I was a broken beaded necklace and I could not get the beads restrung in the proper order.
And I was angry. I had some reasons to be angry, I think. I am not making progress on my chapter. I got my last official rejection from my interviews. My husband was unemployed. I was angry that those who interviewed me strung me along for months beyond their promise. I was angry that I've been on the job market for 8 months and that it has consumed my life. But the degree of my anger did not match the circumstances. And it did not help that people were telling me that. I knew that. I just couldn't fix it. And it's terrible to blame people for your (non-existent) problems and know that it's wrong but do it anyway. I hated myself. The river (flooded) seemed appealing. And I hated that, too.
I love Paxil. I hate Paxil. I need Paxil. I hate that I need it. But now I am back on it...clearly it's not all about Seasonal Defective Disorder. Clearly there is something fundamentally wrong with my system. I hate that, too.
Amidst all of the ridiculous emotional turmoil there have been many good things. My husband has a job. He's on week three. He likes it and is thinking of it as a possible career. We have insurance. We are getting a tax return that will help us pay down our credit card. My students are wonderful. My blood sugars have been fairly good. I know that we will not be moving to CA, OK, NY, or WV this year. My friends have been so encouraging. And God is always here.