Monday, April 30, 2007

Things are looking up

The sun is shining and it's warm out, and with the clearing of Lafayette's clouds comes the clearing of my head, heart, and soul. I am thankful that the blood sugar gods have been kind to me this last month, because it has been a hard one in other terms. That crazy cycle of "is the writer's block and weather causing depression" or is "depression causing the writer's block (and the weather!?") manifested itself throughout April. I did not post because, honestly, all was fine on the diabetes front and everything else was a mess. Well, not everything. I am so blessed with a wonderful husband and a supportive family, as well as a network of academic and Christian friends. But depression and writing are, ultimately, just-me things, and both depend on how I see myself at any given moment. And though I try not to see myself, believing that God would prefer that I see Him and the needs of other people, it was a miserable month, not least because my dissertation in its entirety is due on June 18th. And throughout April, I kept thinking "I have X days to go...now X days..." and I'd stare at my screen and...cry...because I didn't know what or how to write, and with no productivity there was no progress and with no progress there were only X days remaining...

Thankfully, God has allowed encouragement in my life. My advisor read portions of the chapter I am working on and muttered the glorious words "fine" and "good"--enough to make me think that maybe my work isn't so fruitless after all. There is the opportunity of employment in the fall, a possibility that has done wonders for this dissertationless, job-less self-image of mine. My students have expressed gratitude for my teaching and one emailed me to say that mine was the first class in which she thought that learning--as opposed to grades--was the true objective. My husband continually tells me how proud he is of me, and encourages me verbally and through his deeds (he cooked tonight and it was good!).

And today, although the body-impacting anxiety has visited me a few times, with the shortness of breath and utter panic that comes with deadlines and wavering confidence, it is much less, much less frightening, and much less powerful than it was one week ago. I am so thankful. Things are looking up.

3 comments:

Scott K. Johnson said...

We're glad things are looking up too!

Take care and continue finding the positive.

Penny said...

Glad to hear it.

Melissa said...

the key is to keep finding the positive. Aren't you tired of dealing with diabetes. It doesn't always have to be like this. Try www.diabetesdoneright.com
This book is literally saving lives all ove the world. It talks about how to bury our challenges. It's great.