Today is Sunday, and my husband and I are missing church yet again. Our summer attendance has been spotty because of travels, and also because we work with the early two-year olds. But today we are missing by choice, choosing to miss the crowds of the community picnic and the pomp and circumstance of the patriotic sermon that we know awaits us.
I am not one of those who thinks that to miss a Sunday is sin, or that God will judge me for choosing to sleep in or take a mental health break during a busy week. But today, I am longing for God. I am hungry for his word. And this is because I know I need it.
I am worshipping finances rather than God. Recently a friend met with me to help me with a budget, and the more I work on finalizing it the more I worry about where our money will come from. Summers are always tight. There are weddings, there is our anniversary, there are unforseen expenses. There is the Handsome Hubby's car, which in the past three months has cost us $2,5000. We picked it up from the shop yesterday, only to have the clutch break 10 miles later. And so I look at our money draining away, away, away...and I forget to look to God to provide. And he always has provided, from the beginning. We were fairly impovershed when we married, but thanks to wedding gifts we were able to repair Handsome Hubby's car, get new glasses for both of us, buy needed clothes, and to sock some away in savings. Money has come from odd, unforseen places ever since. And yet I always worry...
And then there is the matter of insurance. My hubby is a dreamer; I am a pragmatist, partly by nature, partly by diabetes, and partly because the dreamer needs balance. And so, when he thinks of looking for a new job, I say, "but what about our insurance?" We have marvelous insurance, which insures that we pay very little for my pump supplies. What if? What if? What if? And so, in the name of financial security, I am the dour dream-shooter-downer. I do not like myself for this.
And I do not like that I am worshipping finances and financial stability over God. After all, what else is stable in this unstable world?