Wednesday, April 04, 2007

This is my brain off Paxil

I've been quiet this last month. And anyone reading should be glad. You see, I get a little stubborn about going to the pharmacy and dealing with prescriptions. And so, when my prescription for Paxil ran out, I dragged my feet on refilling it. I not only had to call the doctor to have her refill, I had to switch pharmacies. And so I just didn't refill...and didn't refill...

And soon each day was cloudy. I'd open my computer and start crying. To get anything done was impossible. And I would watch myself, knowing full well that something was wrong. I would say, "Nic, you're not thinking logically. The glass is half full," and although my brain knew the glass was half full, my heart was telling me that the glass was shattered, broken in thousands of pieces. I was a broken beaded necklace and I could not get the beads restrung in the proper order.

And I was angry. I had some reasons to be angry, I think. I am not making progress on my chapter. I got my last official rejection from my interviews. My husband was unemployed. I was angry that those who interviewed me strung me along for months beyond their promise. I was angry that I've been on the job market for 8 months and that it has consumed my life. But the degree of my anger did not match the circumstances. And it did not help that people were telling me that. I knew that. I just couldn't fix it. And it's terrible to blame people for your (non-existent) problems and know that it's wrong but do it anyway. I hated myself. The river (flooded) seemed appealing. And I hated that, too.

I love Paxil. I hate Paxil. I need Paxil. I hate that I need it. But now I am back on it...clearly it's not all about Seasonal Defective Disorder. Clearly there is something fundamentally wrong with my system. I hate that, too.

Amidst all of the ridiculous emotional turmoil there have been many good things. My husband has a job. He's on week three. He likes it and is thinking of it as a possible career. We have insurance. We are getting a tax return that will help us pay down our credit card. My students are wonderful. My blood sugars have been fairly good. I know that we will not be moving to CA, OK, NY, or WV this year. My friends have been so encouraging. And God is always here.


Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Nic,

I hate that I need my "brain meds" too. And I hate the person I am when I don't manage my prescriptions well either.

It happens, and it sucks. And the best I can do is try to stay on top of the seemingly petty task of managing my prescriptions. But I get mad at that too.

Hang in there.

julia said...

Yeah, I hate that I need those meds, too. Although, I really hate Paxil. I tried cutting myself when I was taking that and I've never done anything like that before in my life. But going off the Paxil really sucked.

I've been trying to coordinate my prescriptions so that I order them all at once - mine and O's. It's a big expense all at one time, but at least I'm only going to the pharmacy once a month instead of 87 times. Ok, five, but still....

Anonymous said...

i've been off of my anti d's for two weeks nwo. i might feel depressed, but at least i am functioning better. i had the worst headaches. i took a migraine pill and my throat swelled. werent meant to take them with anti d's. my doctor will be mad when i next see him for coming off of them when i wasn't meant to. it's their fault though cuz i couldn't get an appointment.

anyways.. i've not gone too crazy with out them. i've still got my shrink im being forced to see. pills are evil, ever been on lithium?> now that stuff is great, though i rarely had the energy to take it.

Bernard said...


Good for you for starting the Paxil again. I'm sure that was hard.

And praise God for the good news about your hubbies job and your insurance.

I hope that you'll get one before too long. And that things continue to improve.

Anonymous said...

As an effective medicine, paxil would surely provide you immense relief if you are in the grip of panic disorder, depression or generalized anxiety disorder but it is altogether true that the usage of Paxil occasionally facilitates certain side-effects such as headache, low blood pressure, irregular heartbeat et al. These side-effects can yield serious results if not treated immediately hence take this medicine only on proper prescription.